My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
You Might Also Like
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
want me to check your oil?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
The cake is mightier than the sword.