Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
My plans: 2020:
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Why I divorced her.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.