Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.