If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
You Might Also Like
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Go girl power!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars