JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.