WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
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Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”