As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
You Might Also Like
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented