The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
This kid is going places
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical