Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
You Might Also Like
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do