ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
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Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar