“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.