Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Just grow your own
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*