You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Breaking news:
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.