I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I’m giving up for Lent.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working