Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Breaking news:
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
This rocks
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”