Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.