If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I know this now 😂
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I have never related to anyone more.