1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
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Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth