[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
There’s only one good girl here!