[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
how to have an accident 101
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
If snakes were wide
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters