“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
based al yankovic
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for