In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.