I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
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Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.