Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.