Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
The Weeknd is back
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids