I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
You Might Also Like
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Just a phase…
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]