My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
You Might Also Like
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.