I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.