We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
honestly, i need both:
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves