“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there