Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I am never leaving this website
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
They’re not wrong
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.