HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
You Might Also Like
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I have questions??
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems