alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
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I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.