I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?