And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.