There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
You Might Also Like
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
My beach vacation Google searches
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.