Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
RT if you could go either way.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.