I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
mom had nothing to worry about
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.