The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer