dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
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The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer