Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Breaking news:
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?