i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels