Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
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For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Watermelon Boss!
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe