I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
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My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
This will never not be funny to me.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap