did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
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The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
you will never know the true number of layers
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Overindulged this afternoon.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it