“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
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i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.