The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
You Might Also Like
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him