Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
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it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*