beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
😬
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Pretty much. 🤣
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.