*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.